Marriage Barrier
by Huina Zheng
When Ling and Cheng had been together for five years and graduated from college for one year, they decided to get married.
“There is a custom of high bride price in my hometown,” Ling said. Cheng was from a rural village, and his parents worked in a factory. His income was not high, so she didn’t tell him the amount, worrying that Cheng would give up the idea of marrying her.
Cheng said, “I understand. I will ask my parents to help. I will work hard and save enough money.”
Ling thought she could persuade her parents to charge less since she and Cheng had been in a stable relationship, and Cheng was a hardworking and caring man.
Ling took Cheng to visit her parents during the three-day May Day holiday.
It was Cheng’s first time visiting Ling’s family. He brought expensive wine, tobacco, tea, and some gifts and prepared red envelopes that contained money for Ling’s parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles, and aunts. It cost him more than 10,000 yuan, enough to buy the latest Apple iPhone.
When Cheng saw Ling’s parents, he smiled and said, “Nice to meet you, uncle and aunt.” Ling’s father nodded, but Ling’s mother turned away.
That night, when Ling and her mother prepared dinner in the kitchen, Ling’s mother said, “Cheng was stingy. He gave me only 1,000 yuan. When your cousin went to propose marriage, he gave each member of his girlfriend’s family 3,999 yuan.”
“Mom, Cheng has only worked for one year. He doesn’t have much in savings.”
“That’s a bad excuse. My friend received 300,000 yuan when her daughter got married.”
“Cheng, like me, has to repay the student loan. He can’t afford 300,000 yuan.”
Ling’s mother pulled a long face and said, “Your father and I have endured so much hardship to raise you. We paid for your college fees, and now you can earn money, and only think of your boyfriend. All the money you earn will go to his family. Do you ever think of your family?”
Ling was at a loss for words, and her heart sank. Her parents did not pay her tuition, and she had applied for a student loan. Her parents paid only for her first year’s living expenses.
During college, she took various part-time jobs such as tutoring, working in a coffee shop, and translating documents for companies. After graduation from college, she lived frugally, but when her mother sent her a photo of a dress she liked, Ling transferred 2,000 yuan to her.
Ling had been using a mobile phone for five years but, when her mother said she wanted the latest iPhone, Ling bought it. During the Spring Festival this year, she gave her parents 5,000 yuan each. She didn’t know why her mother would accuse her of being ungrateful.
Ling’s mother added, “You have to think of your younger brother. If we don’t charge a high bride price, where will we get the money for your brother?”
“Cheng’s family can only scrape together 160,000 yuan. I promise you, even after we get married, I will give you 2,000 yuan every month to save the bride price for my brother.” Ling’s voice choked up.
Ling’s mother said, “You must keep your promise.”
In the next two days during their stay, Ling’s mother uttered less than ten sentences with Cheng.
* * *
Three months later, Cheng’s and Ling’s families were seated at the best local hotel. After drinking for three rounds, the two families began discussing the details of the marriage.
“You have to pay 250,000 yuan for Ling to marry you,” Ling’s father said to Cheng.
Stunned, Ling blurted out, “But Dad, didn’t we agree on 160,000 yuan?”
“The 160,000 yuan is for the bride price, 60,000 yuan for your mother and me, and 30,000 yuan for the wedding banquet.”
Ling looked at her mother, who was drinking tea. Ling realized that her mother knew her father would ask for an extra 90,000 yuan.
Cheng’s father said, “We borrowed from relatives and friends for the 160,000 yuan. We really can’t borrow more. My nephew just got engaged, and the bride price was only 100,000 yuan.”
Ling’s mother said, “If your son wants to marry our daughter, you must follow our customs.”
Tears welled up in Ling’s eyes; she felt like a marionette manipulated by her parents. Cheng handed her a tissue, patted her on the back, and said in a low voice, “We’ll work it out. Don’t worry.”
Ling’s aunt frowned and said, “It’s not easy for your parents to raise you. You have to think more about your parents.”
Everyone was gloomy. In the end, Ling’s and Cheng’s marriage was postponed.
* * *
Ling recalled her life with Cheng over the past five years. She was unsure if she could still love another man the way she loved Cheng.
She and Cheng worked in the same coffee shop in their freshman year. She was attracted by Cheng’s warm smile. They both enjoyed climbing mountains; they would close their eyes in fright when watching horror movies; they liked to eat spicy hot pots in summer and ice cream in winter. If Cheng left her, she didn’t know how long it would take her to get used to living without him.
Everything showed traces of their life together when she returned to their apartment. She couldn’t change her parents, but she couldn’t give up Cheng, either.
Cheng held her in his arms and said, “It’s okay. We can get married a few years later. I will work harder and save enough no matter what.”
Ling said, “We can register our marriage without their consent. You can give my parents 100,000 yuan, and I will break with them.”
“I love you and don’t want your relationship with your parents to sour because of me.”
They decided to work as part-time tutors on weekends. They also made a detailed money-saving plan. If all went well, they could get married in three years.
They both looked forward to that day.
*
* *
[Author’s note]
Bride price has been a long-standing tradition in China. On the positive side, this money can be reserved for the couple’s expenses when they prepare for pregnancy and childbirth. They may use it as a down payment for a house, or even as a family venture fund. Or it can be compensation for women bearing children.
Many times, if the wife is pregnant, she often has to sacrifice her career, so the bride price can also be counted as compensation for the wife’s childbirth and full-time childcare. And, of course, there can be many other uses for the bride price.
But in my opinion, because China has been a patriarchal country, parents think they raise not their own daughters but future daughters-in-law for other families. After marriage, the daughters have to take care of their husbands, in-laws and children, but they cannot take care of their parents. Therefore, the bride price can be seen as the reward for the bride’s parents’ years of nurturing.
In many rural areas, parents with a son will charge a high bride price in order to be able to pay for their son’s marriage, when his opportunity comes. Among the reasons for the rising bride price is the numerical imbalance between men and women. Due to the Chinese strong preference for sons and the influence of the family-planning policy, there are more than 30 million more men than women under the age of 30. In some areas, especially economically disadvantaged areas, local men must pay an especially high bride price if they hope to get married.
Copyright © 2023 by Huina Zheng
