Payment in Advance

by Allen McGill

“Amen, I say unto you, brothers and sisters, we were meant to have those Cadillacs. They were sent by divine order, wrapped in a package deal, so we wouldn’t be seen driving up to the home of one of God’s chosen ministers in anything less than what God himself would have chosen for me and the Sisterhood of our holy calling.

“How would it look for a beat up old Chevy of last year’s vintage to be parked in front of the forty-room tribute to the Almighty? Those buildings and grounds sprang from the earth, nourished by the love and charity of you, God’s most worshipful servants. And God knows it, and appreciates it, and will remember it when the time comes for each and every one of you to cross the River Jordan and meet with the Great Lord Himself face to face.

“Yes, brothers and sisters, all of this was pre-ordained. All of it, even the lawsuits that have been flowing into the sanctified offices of my commercial buildings from the godless lawyers in Washington and New York. Those buildings, incidentally, that I keep in my name, but which are for you, and for our most generous and loving God. The buildings that I pay taxes on so that our congregation can concentrate on giving to the Lord, through me, that which belongs to the Lord. And by doing so, receiving the grace that comes from the giving.

“I want to say here and now that I do appreciate all the loving support you have given me, and ask that you continue to do so and to strengthen your resolve. Especially at this trying time when there are going to be some scathing untruths written about your humble pastor and published in the newspapers. Untruths about Swiss and Bahamian bank accounts, resort purchases in Hawaii, the Riviera and the Caribbean. UNTRUE! All of them! The documents they claim to have are all faked.

“They’ve been out to get me for years; you know that, don’t you? The government, the other churches, the non-believers. Oh, yes, brothers and sisters. But we’re going to beat them all! Praise the Lord! Good will triumph over evil, and they are all evil. They are emissaries of the devil! But you, my children, my flock, my lambs, you are beloved by me and the Lord.

“You see, this was all foreordained as well. This is our time of trial, when your leader is being led to the cross to atone for the sins of the heathens. But this time, my beloveds, you will not permit Pilate to succeed in his murderous plan. I call upon you, all of you, all you believers in the love of God, to hear my simple request. The heathen hoards have devised a plan to curb the raising of my voice in praise of the Lord, to bar me from speaking of love and sacrifice, of devotion and piety. They plan to lock me away from the affections of my congregation.

“Which brings me to the holy purpose of this special service this glorious morning. I need your help, dear brothers and sisters. Help that will benefit our church and praise our holy, blessed savior.

“You see, I believe they’re going to make me post a very hefty bail bond...”