Thor Radio

by Thomas Lee Joseph Smith

“Hello. My name is Agnar Svensen, and this is the Agnar Svensen radio hour. Welcome to the show. I’m here every evening from six till eight except Thursday.

“Here we try to discuss the world using a Thor-ish perspective. We try to keep Thor’s wishes foremost in our thoughts, as we try to discover His plans for us in these troubling times.

“I’m here to share my thoughts and to answer any religious questions you may have. As long as you conduct yourselves like gentlemen there’ll be no problems. Leave your sword at the door and come on in. Let’s talk. So, without further delay let’s get right to the phones. Caller are you there..?”

“I’m here.”

“Go right ahead.”

“Am I on the air..?’

“Can you tell us where you’re calling from?”

“Now..?”

“Yes.”

“I live near Eidfass. It’s a little north of the town. A little place near a fjord.”

“Think about it caller, it’s Norway... we live in Norway... rugged coastlines... primitive huts on the hills... people in animal skins looking down on the North Sea... fjords everywhere... we’re all near a fjord somewhere. And what did you want to talk about today?”

“I just wanted to pick up on something you talked about yesterday, something the last caller said yesterday. Like he said, it’s true we won’t know exactly when Ragnarok is coming, that’s the whole idea about what the end times is, it will come in the night, it will come unexpectedly.

“But don’t you think, even though we don’t know when the end is coming, don’t you think it feels like the end is near? We have all the signs right now. Everything, to me, points to the end of days. I think very soon Yggdrasil will fall.

“Just look in the news, we have sons killing their fathers, and men sharing their likeness with other men, and today most of all — most troubling of all — we have many longboats away from home, carrying our young men out past what can be seen from the stone towers. They are fighting, right now, on the shores of distant lands, stealing what we need, and burning things, and tossing women onto the ground... freedom isn’t free.

“But we also know pillage and plunder can take a man only so far in life. So, like I’m saying... I just had a few questions... about the end times. How will I recognize the end when it comes? What will be the one unmistakable sign?”

“Those are good questions. Don’t I recognize your voice..? Isn’t this Hrolf? Haven’t you called before..?

“Yes, I have. A few times.”

“And I’ve met you before, you and your lovely wife, Freya. I met you at the fundraiser for one of our local politicians, Kleng, slayer of the dog. He’s the one who wants to put a line of stakes along the border, and then anyone trying to sneak up from Kobenhaven or swim the Kattegat, they get their head put on stakes.

“He’s been on my show before, Kleng, slayer of the dog. He was sitting right here on that big upended log, the one we reserve for special guests. He was right here in this hut, and like I said at the time, like I told him right to his face, I’m not sure that would work — putting heads on pointed sticks — it might not work, since we have six months of darkness, a lot of those guys coming up from the south would just pass by those stakes without even seeing those heads. But that’s another topic.

“So you’re calling with some doubts as to whether we’re seeing the end times? And that’s okay. It’s okay to have questions. Can I ask: are you a believer? Do you believe in Thor? Is Thor your personal Savior?”

“Yes. I am a believer.”

“And Hrolf, are you striving to place Thor into your life each and every day? You don’t just show up when the marked goat gets strangled, you actually think about your relationship with Thor every day?”

“I do. Especially when there’s a storm.”

“Funny. I see you think this is some kind of joke.”

“No I was just kidding.”

“You wouldn’t joke about Thor if you were to feel his wrath. I wasn’t going to tell this again, because I’m sure most of the listeners have heard me talk about this before, but I felt Thor’s hammer once. We were leaving that big yellow barn Vorka built in the clearing near the wooden well, about six men and forty goats and two women. It was raining, but not hard, not like a storm.

“I’ve heard that there are some people, who think lightning just naturally comes from storms, but I’ve never heard them try to explain how lightning can come from a violent storm and also come from gentle rains, that’s where there science breaks down, you see, when they try to ascribe Thor’s actions to a physical cause and yet expect the same thunderous actions from two different sets of conditions.

“Anyway we left the big yellow barn and were walking down this hill and suddenly the goats started leaping around and I felt the hair at the back of my head stand up and straighten like they were long pieces of spaghetti going from cooked and curly, back to hard and straight. Suddenly Thor let loose one of his ‘behave yourselves’ arguments, and ten things were sizzled and dead. I must have run back towards shelter, but I don’t remember running. Only, I looked around and found myself barned again.”

“I did hear you tell that story before. It’s a good story. But back to my original question: how will we know when the end times are coming?

I’m glad you asked that, Hrolf. I believe there is only one unmistakable sign, and it will happen at one particular time. There is one set of circumstances that are sure to trigger end times. It will happen when our religion is in danger. That’s when I believe Ragnarok will happen. That’s when it will have to happen. When men start turning away from Thor that’s when Thor will turn his back on men.

“You’ve heard that down near the coast there are outsiders coming into our land and they are trying to replace our Asgard with a place they call Haven. They’re trying to replace Thor. They’re trying to take Thor out of the schools, out of our community, trying to take Thor away from our beloved Norway. Have you heard about that, Hrolf?”

“I keep up with the news, Agnar. I have been hearing something about that.”

“So... you know, Thor can’t allow that. He can’t just stand by while His worshipers are taken from him.”

“I see.”

“The end times are here, my friend. They are staring us in the face. Look now, any day, for the big root of Yggdrasil to be bitten through. Look for the Seven Swift Entities, as they come riding in to establish The New Order. Look for the golden chess sets spread all before us on the great field. It’s all coming. And it will come true.”

“But, Agnar, what if nothing happens? I mean there have been religions previous to ours and they’ve always had very specific descriptions of the end times. They’ve all waited in vain for the clouds to open, or for the ocean to lift up a god to put things right, Osiris or The Great Turtle or The Big Blue Frog, a god to explain the vast stars we see, the strange lights we see in the night sky.”

“Hrolf, Hrolf, calm yourself. I tell you not to worry, you will get to experience the end times. I promise you in your lifetime you will see Thor arrive in all His glory.

“Now we have to move on to our next caller. Are you there?”

“Agnar, are you still selling prayer cloths?”

“Yes we are.”

“How much are they?”

“They’re only fifty kronor, and they’re guaranteed. But I’d really like this to be handled off the air. Hang on and our producer will get your name.”

“Thank you, Agnar and praise Thor.”

“Praise His name forever.”