Adventures of a Botanist

by Bob Brill

Chapter 11, part 1
Chapter 12
appear in this issue.

Chapter 11: Operation Cleanup

part 2 of 2

Gentlemen, a new and alarming development has just come to our notice. The various strains of Escapodium that are loose in the world have united to propose a third strategy for the survival of the plant kingdom. They are not keen on Project Exodus, in which they are the experimental organisms. They report that already most of the spores that have left the Earth’s atmosphere have succumbed to hard radiation from the sun. Neither are they optimistic about the prospects for Project Namaste, which requires the taming of the wild human species.

They are pursuing a new strategy, which they call Operation Cleanup, that calls for the extinction of the human race. We, the plant majority, prefer a working partnership with your species, so we don’t endorse their plan, but we are forced to recognize the cogency of their argument. Admittedly, the absence of humans would give the Earth a chance to heal and once more provide an ideal environment for plants.

This strategy, I regret to inform you, is probably not very difficult for them to implement. It borrows the idea from Project Namaste of adding an agent to the Escapodium genome that would be delivered as humans breathed in the ubiquitous spores. Only instead of an agent to elevate the spirituality of the human race, it would be a poison deadly to your species.

Finally, I must add that at present we see no way of stopping this plan.

Sidney immediately called for a high-level staff meeting to discuss how to meet the threat from the Escapods.

Larry Avena took the floor. “Let’s not panic, folks. The threat is not immediate and it may not even materialize. Plants may be geniuses at directing the course of their evolution, but this process takes a great deal of time. When they want to speed up the process, they bring in human help as they did in Kyvia and as they are doing now in Germany and here. Do you think any human scientists are going to help them destroy the human race? No, it’s going to take time for them to modify their genome to include a human-targeted toxin.

“And here’s something else. Escapodium is now extremely well established in many diverse habitats all over the Earth. A new deadly strain of Escapodium would have to find territory to exploit. It would be difficult for it to take over territory already occupied by the harmless strains. Chances are they would not be able to gain a foothold.”

Sidney, still twirling my Spathiphyllum stalk, objected to this line of reasoning. “First,” he said, “there exist humans so perverse and nihilistic that they would leap at the chance to help the Escapods destroy their own species. Whether this group would include any well-trained biochemists is an unknown, but it can’t be discounted. Intelligence and insanity are not mutually exclusive.

“As for the other question, the deadly Escapods would not have to oust the harmless ones. They would undoubtedly mate with them and bring the gene for the new toxin into the common gene pool. If that gene were dominant, it would only take a few generations to convert the large Escapodium base to the production of toxin.”

“Maybe so and maybe no,” said Belinda. “We know that Lycopodium is monoecious, so most of the sperms are going to mate with eggs on the same gametophyte plant. So it’s my guess that there won’t be that much cross mating. We need to intensify our study of Escapodium, not only for Project Namaste, but the better to understand how to counter this threat. We don’t really have detailed maps yet of the differences between the Lycopodium and Escapodium genomes. The different strains may not even be able to mate with each other.”

At this point I spoke up. “These questions are moot. I think it would be safer to assume that the threat is real and immediate. If it is not, so much the better, but we must gear up to prepare an anti-toxin to neutralize a possible Escapod attack. Unfortunately, we cannot do that till the toxin appears in our midst and many will die before our efforts can bear fruit. However, while the world’s medical research communities will lose time looking for the source of the disease, we will already know that the place to look is the Escapodium spore.”

“If only we could alert the world,” Sidney added, “that this threat is coming and that Escapodium is the place to look, then the world’s major research centers could all be working cooperatively toward an anti-toxin. That would probably bring the fastest result. But as you know, we would be laughed off the scene for talking to plants.”

“It’s worse than that,” said Bart. “Assuming we can come up with an anti-toxin, the real problem will be mobilizing the world health organizations to deliver it. The FDA will be calling for trials, there’ll be religious objections, there’ll be political obstacles. Meanwhile people will be dropping like flies. We’ll see crumbling infrastructure, panic, war, and general chaos.”

Clara Clover suggested that we send a diplomatic mission to the Escapods. “We could set up a summit meeting with the lightseeds, the heavyseeds and the Escapods, and perhaps apply moral pressure, backed by the plant majority, to avert this disaster.”

“That’ll never work,” said Bart. “Why should the plants put moral pressure on the Escapods? In fact, if you think about it, the whole plant community would be better off if the human race went extinct. The only plants that would suffer would be those that enjoy the privileged status of being heavily cultivated by man, like corn, wheat, marijuana and the like.”

“In that case,” said Clara, “we should appeal to the cultivars. They are a small minority if you count species, but if you count individual plants, they may well constitute a majority.”

“Do you think they decide things by vote?” countered Bart.

“I don’t know,” answered Clara. “Maybe they do.”

“What we need to do,” Bart went on, “is to get them before they get us. If we developed a weapon, let’s say a fungus, tailored to attack Escapodium and nothing else, we could wipe them out, like the Irish potato blight.”

“Oh, yeah?” said I. “It’s that ‘and nothing else’ bit that could screw up everything. It would be easier to train little bunny rabbits to nibble Escapodium and nothing else. Remember what happened when mongooses were introduced in Hawaii.” ⁶

Sidney rose to his feet. “Folks,” he said, “there is another point to consider, but before we do, I think it would be good to have some guacamole with salsa.”

I thought I knew what he was getting at. “Sure,” I piped up. “Let’s take a break. And after the snack we could refresh our minds with a little meditation.”

“You’re on my wavelength,” said Sidney.

Sidney and I went to the lunchroom and got some guacamole from the fridge, some salsa and chips. Sidney took the bottle of tabasco sauce and shook plenty of it into the salsa. We returned to the conference room.

By then everyone understood that Sidney wanted a closed session, closed that is, from vegetative eavesdropping. When the tabasco and meditation ceremony was complete, Sidney opened the topic that was on his mind.

“Here’s something to think about it,” he said. “KR22 interferes with hypnosine at the site of the dream receptor. The plants invented and produced KR22 before Larry and his crew discovered the dream receptor and its mechanism. From this I infer that when designing the KR22 molecule, the plants already knew about the dream receptor, hypnosine and the rest. And maybe a lot more they haven’t yet divulged.

“Likewise, they agreed to take on Project Namaste, steered Larry and Bart through the funding process, set us all up here in this cushy lab in the forest, but have not as yet given us a breakthrough lead. Do you think they would have done all this without some understanding that it could actually succeed? What are they waiting for? And if they really haven’t a clue, then what the hell is their motivation?”

He let that sink in. There were murmurs from all of us, but no explicit comment.

“I’m beginning to form a theory,” he went on. “When the begonia in Albert’s office informed us of the Escapod’s hostile intentions, it reconfirmed the plant community’s support for humanity, but at the same time it acknowledged the cogency of the Escapod’s point of view. Bart just said it. The plants would be better off without us. Could it be that the plants have been lying to us?”

Larry let out a gasp.

“Maybe Project Namaste is just a feint, a distraction,” Sidney continued.

“Hold it right there,” said Larry.

“Just a minute, Larry. Let me finish this thought. Maybe the Escapod’s plan is another feint, to focus us on Escapodium, while the attack comes from another quarter. Maybe they plan to starve us out. I don’t know what they have in mind. They could devise any number of ways to kill off the human race.

“All I know is that the plants have not been very forthcoming. Whether they’re with us or against us is not clear. Trouble is we think like humans. What is it like to think like plants? That’s what we need to do. Think like them and figure out what’s happening.”

The room broke into excited chatter. Larry jumped to his feet and shouted, “Purslane, you’re full of shit. It’s your first day on the job and already you’re coming up with the cockamamie theories you’re famous for. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I stepped in. “Now wait a minute, Larry. Sidney is not a newbie at this game. He’s been observing the plant community from a privileged position even longer than I have, and way longer than you have. He has a right to speak on the subject.”

“Maybe so,” broke in Bart, “but he’s wrong.”

“You don’t know if he’s wrong or not,” I replied. “Think about it. We have always trusted the plants, but it is definitely worth exploring the scenario that they are lying to us.”

“Look,” said Larry, still in a state of high excitement, “he’s already told me privately that Project Namaste is a pipedream. Well, if it is, it’s a dream worth pursuing. And I for one am not ready to give it up.”

Sidney spoke up then. “I love the idea of Project Namaste. It’s a beautiful idea and I’m willing to pursue it. I just don’t think it’s going to work. What I know for sure is that we’ll never achieve it without a lot of help from the plant community. So, if it’s true that they’re not really behind it, then it’s a waste of time. And if they really are leveling with us and the Escapods are out to get us, then we have to put Project Namaste aside and fight for our lives.”

Belinda spoke up next. “It’s very confusing. I don’t know what to think. But we have a group of brilliant scientists here. Larry’s team found the dream receptor without any help from plants. I’m sure they can solve this problem too, with or without the plants. I trust Larry and every member of this team.”

“Thank you, Belinda,” said Larry, “for the vote of confidence.”

“I perceive,” said Sidney, directing his remarks to Larry, “that your interpretation of this situation lacks objectivity. It derives entirely from your desire to protect your intellectual territory.”

“Shame on you,” cried Bart.

“You dismiss the Escapod threat,” Sidney went on, “because it could derail or at least postpone work on Project Namaste. You dismiss the idea that the plants may be hiding their true plans for us for the same reason. You’re angry with me for even suggesting it, because it threatens your dreams of Namaste glory. Set your ambitions aside for a moment, Larry, and take a cool scientific look at the dilemma we are now facing.”

Larry’s face grew increasingly red during this speech. He answered now, biting off each word. “I would scarcely call your position objective, Sidney. It is nothing less than a vicious and unwarranted personal attack. Perhaps you have ambitions of your own. You are a disruptive force in the lab. You are attempting to undermine the group mission, to cast doubt on my leadership, and to sow dissension in the ranks. Is this a takeover attempt?”

“No, Larry, not at all.”

“Because if it is, let me remind you that I am the principal investigator here and I have the sole right to hire and fire.”

“Is that your response to a serious philosophical question? To pull rank and threaten to fire me? Well, I’ll just have to beat you to the punch, Larry. I hereby tender my resignation.”

“Accepted!”

Sidney made the namaste gesture and said, “Namaste, brother.”

Larry turned scarlet and stalked from the room.

Note

6. In 1883 mongooses, Herpestes javanicus, were introduced into Hawaii for the purpose of controlling the rats that were overrunning the sugar plantations. Since the rats were nocturnal and the mongooses were diurnal, this strategy was largely ineffectual. However, the mongooses relished the eggs of ground-nesting birds and caused great depredations among the native bird populations. They still pose a serious threat to native wildlife in Hawaii.

Proceed to Chapter 12