Valkyrie of the Apes

The plot to kill Dr. Zaius

by Thomas Lee Joseph Smith

Chapter 1: The Revelation

When Oberleutnant Gorgo approached my half-track I stopped and got down and scratched under my right arm with my right hand... which is how we greet each other. We both said, “Zaius forever.”

“Have we any news from the eastern front?” I asked.

“It seems hopeless,” he said.

We started to groom each other. I pulled a very nice tick off his leg. He commented on how tasty my lice were. He wanted to peek under my eye patch, but I didn’t let him.

Suddenly airplanes strafed the convoy. Explosions sent apes scurrying in all directions, their arms reaching up as if they were surrendering and waving madly from side to side while they ran. But they weren’t surrendering, that was just they way they ran when they were panicked.

An explosion threw me to the ground. That’s when I knew the war was lost.

Chapter 2: The Plans

I held a meeting with some civil officials who wanted the war to end. The mayor was there, in charge of a large group of apes. “What a shrewdness is here,” I thought. There were many factions and we never could have agreed on anything without some gibbon take.

Then I had a bright idea. “What if we use Valkyrie?”

“What’s Valkyrie?” the mayor asked.

“It’s a plan where forces stationed here in the capital take over in case Zaius is killed.”

“That’s brilliant,” the mayor replied. They all started chattering and tore up papers and threw them around. They took turns swinging from the light fixture overhead. One of them unscrewed the bulbs and threw them down where they made little explosions.

They slowly settled down.

“We’ll have to be secretive,” said the mayor. “If some proboscis monkey sticks his nose in, we could all be rhesus pieces.”

Chapter 3: The Bomb

Dr. Zaius had his eastern headquarters hidden deep in a forest. The place was guarded by big baboons. To get in I had to secure false identity papers and overcome some langur. As was his usual habit, Dr. Zaius held his war meetings on a huge jungle gym. He was wearing a nut-brown overcoat with tan piping at the seams. His hair was plastered back with grey mud from the riverbank.

I kept trying to plant the bomb close to Dr. Zaius but he kept swinging from one of the top bars, and after plunging about thirty feet down he’d grab the lower rungs at the last minute with his feet. Then he reached down and he ate a few bugs off the dirt.

All the other apes were groveling and fawning. They would applaud and some would do back-flips and some of the officers would poop into their hands and then fling it at some of the enlisted men. Everyone had their teeth bared, which meant they were having a great time.

I hated to spoil their fun, but Dr. Zaius had to be killed. I placed the briefcase next to the teeter-totter and started the timer. I walked away as quickly as I could. When I looked back Dr. Zaius was teeter-tottering with Eva Braun his prime mate.

I turned the corner and then heard a tremendous explosion.

I raced back to the capital, certain he was dead.

Chapter 4: The Insurrection

When I entered my office I was greeted with shrieks and wild gestures. My secretary was a howler monkey, which I hadn’t found out till we were in a motel together. She was wearing lipstick and it was smeared all over her face. Six years of finishing school and she still didn’t know how to use a mirror. Every time she typed it was recognizable as something from a Shakespeare play. I’m sure if she were given enough time it would have turned out to be one of his complete plays.

Her desk wasn’t on wheels but nevertheless she was pushing it all around the office, bouncing it off the walls as she asked me if it was true that Dr. Zaius was really dead

“Not merely dead,” I answered, “he’s really most sincerely dead.”

I went to the window. I knew once the plot commenced that I’d need to contact my friends quickly. So I had Werner von Braun develop small flapping mechanical wings that I had strapped onto some messengers. He came up with the wings. I came up with the little red helmets and red vests they wore.

I went to the window. Some of the messengers were jumping around. I pointed out the window. “Take your army to the haunted forest and be quick about it!” I screamed.

They flew from the window.

I went back to the collection of phones I’d had installed to facilitate the insurrection. I called the headquarters of the eastern provinces. I said, “Look, Dr. Zaius is dead...”

The other end of the line interrupted me.

“Of course I’m sure. I want you to arrest King Kong, and Mighty Joe Young. Make sure you get the murderer from the Rue Morgue also. He seems to be more silverback than he cares to admit. Bring them to Gestapo headquarters. Don’t hesitate. If we act quickly the day will be ours.”

At gunpoint we had to round up some of the lesser dignitaries. We had quite a collection held at gunpoint in a gymnasium. In one corner were all of Jane Goodall’s friends. In another corner was a chimp wearing a cowboy outfit and twirling a lariat.

I was still at headquarters when Zira and Cornelius came in. They were destined to be leaders in the new world order. Cornelius scratched under his right arm with his right hand and said, “Zaius forever.”

I placed my hand on his shoulder. “Forget the old ways, brother. We’ll do things right from now on. Here is our new greeting.” I scratched furiously at my genitals.”

We spent five minutes greeting each other.

Then it all started to unravel.

Somehow, miraculously, Dr. Zaius had survived the explosion. He took to the radio and told the country he was alive. The whole country knew it was him by his gestures and by the fact that he said, Ehh Ohh Ohh Ohh Ehh, which was one of his most famous campaign promises.

We’d lost.

Looking back, I remembered one of our mistakes was that we hadn’t arrested Magilla gorilla. Nor had we thought to deal with some of Zaius’s allies. They weren’t exactly apes, but they were on Dr. Zaius’s side. Troops from Yogi-slavia helped Dr. Zaius. And they were smarter than the average troops.

Chapter 5: The Firing Squads

I was wearing a special blindfold since one of my eyes was already covered. I called the head of the firing squad a macaque but it wasn’t an insult, because he actually was a macaque. He gave me a cigarette. I said, “I have a brother who works for a tobacco company. All he does, all day long, is smoke cigarettes.”

Once the cigarette was finished the macaque took it from my lips. “I’m afraid it’s time.” he said.

I peeled back my lips and bared my teeth at them.

To Challenge 417...