The Problem With Expansion Packs
by Ronald Schulte
Part 1 appears in this issue.
conclusion
“What was that?” whispered Gloria.
Adam glanced at Gloria’s head. He’d placed it on the couch, lying sideways, and had wrapped a scarf over her eyes. When she’d asked why she could no longer move her arms or hands, let alone her legs, Adam had explained it away as a temporary effect of her infection. Adam doubted Gloria could process the full horror of her situation without going mad, and he wasn’t about to find out. Anyway, it would be a simple thing to restore her body later, after the anti-malware scans had completed and his privileges had been restored.
“Hello? Angel?”
Adam realized he’d never answered Gloria’s question.
“Just the wind,” Adam lied. In reality, what Gloria had heard was a scream from a nearby home. Adam was no longer sure that they’d contained the threat within Gloria’s walls.
“How long will we be stuck like this?”
“I don’t know,” Adam answered truthfully. All they could do was sit and wait their turn to be processed by the scan.
From his meta-virtual training, Adam knew that they’d always worried about this, back when they’d started designing virtual habitats for digitalized souls. No computer system was ever fully safe, and the Cloud was no exception. The Cloud had its share of bugs and security lapses, and was just as prone to attack by viruses and malware as any other computer system.
They didn’t like to advertise such things, of course.
Adam sighed and watched out the window. He could see the armored trucks moving down other streets, off in the distance. They’d get here eventually. Adam wished he could communicate with the reinforcements, but he was completely cut off. No access to commands, no access to files, not even the slightest hint of network connectivity. Quarantine was no joke.
“I hear a noise. Almost like... scratching,” said Gloria. Adam was surprised she could hear much at all given that one of her ears was mashed down into the couch cushions, but she was right; he could hear it, too.
“I’ll take a look,” said Adam. He stood and stretched, then slowly crept down the hallway until he reached the barrier wall he’d built just milliseconds before the quarantine had revoked his privileges. It was missing a couple of bricks on this side — perhaps a sign that the build algorithm hadn’t fully completed before the quarantine started — but otherwise seemed structurally sound. He placed his ear against the wall and closed his eyes.
He could hear them.
So many of them.
Adam knew that Gloria’s infected body was now a factory, churning out scores of the malicious creatures. He could hear them scratching, scuttling, trying to escape. If it weren’t for the quarantine barrier around the house, they’d already be free. But for now, at least, they seemed to be contained.
He walked back to his chair near the front window and resumed his vigil.
“Did you find it?” asked Gloria.
“Mice,” said Adam distractedly.
“Really? I didn’t know there were mice in Heaven!”
“Me neither.”
“I’ll have to call an exterminator. Are there exterminators in Heaven?”
“The exterminators are already on their way. It won’t be too much longer.”
“Oh good, that’s a relief!”
They sat in silence for a while. Adam could tell that the armored trucks were working the city in a grid pattern. The scanners were very coordinated, very precise, no square inch left unchecked. They were only a few blocks away.
Something crashed in the kitchen.
“On it,” he shouted before Gloria’s scream had even registered in his ear. As he sprinted into the kitchen, a wine glass shattered against the wall, just inches from his face. One of the creatures was standing in the drying rack next to the sink, brandishing a steak knife, while another was slowly pulling itself out of the drain. They’d miniaturized themselves, much smaller than the one from the closet, in order to fit through the plumbing.
Adam whispered a few commands before remembering he no longer had that ability. He cursed and dove to the floor just as the steak knife flew over his head. He pulled the nearest cabinet door open, looking for something, anything with which to defend himself. He came out with a cast-iron frying pan just as a coffee mug grazed the side of his head.
Adam roared in anger and jumped to his feet, rushing directly toward the creature in the drying rack. He deflected another knife with the frying pan, then brought the pan down on the creature’s head, momentarily stunning it. At the same time, he hit the button for the garbage disposal on the wall next to the sink. The second creature looked momentarily stunned, then was sucked down into the vortex of blades and crushers. Adam winced as a few droplets of blood sprayed upward onto Gloria’s popcorn ceiling.
Adam knocked the first creature over the head again with the frying pan, then grabbed one of Gloria’s oven mitts from a magnetized hook on the side of the fridge. He put on the glove, grabbed the creature, and shoved it down into the garbage disposal. He backed away, looking for more creatures, but it didn’t seem that any others had escaped. Adam tossed the oven mitt onto the counter and went back in by Gloria.
“More mice?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“I think you left the garbage disposal on.”
“Yes, I did.”
Adam looked out the window. The trucks were working the other side of the street. “Hurry up,” he muttered.
There were noises everywhere now, throughout the house. Creaking. Cracking. Settling. Adam glanced around frantically, looking for any other security breaches the creatures might try to exploit.
“I think they are in the air ducts,” Gloria stated matter-of-factly. Adam stopped and listened; she was right, he could hear some faint metallic scuttling noises.
“Where are the vents?” Adam asked.
“Let’s see... bedroom, bathroom... kitchen floor... I think there’s one behind the couch here somewhere too.”
The bedroom and bathroom were behind the brick wall in the hallway, so Adam ignored those. He sprinted into the kitchen and quickly located a vent under the kitchen table. He closed the vent, then overturned the kitchen table and placed it over the vent for good measure. It wasn’t perfect, but it would have to do.
He sprinted back into the living room, searching frantically for the other vent. It wasn’t immediately visible, so Adam picked up one end of the couch and pulled it away from the wall. Now he could see the vent, centered almost perfectly behind where the couch had been. Adam shook his head. Gloria obviously hadn’t given much thought to the purpose of an air vent when arranging her furniture.
A sudden scraping behind the vent spurred Adam into quicker motion.
He grabbed the coffee table from in front of the couch and ran to the vent. He flipped the table onto its side so that the tabletop was facing the wall, then jammed the table against the wall and sat down with his back to the table. He could feel the vibrations behind him, claws wrenching through the vent cover, scratching at the tabletop.
“WHERE IS MY BODY?” shouted Gloria.
Not good. Gloria’s blindfold must have shifted, fallen off when he’d moved the couch. “Stay calm, Gloria. Everything will be okay.”
The overturned table in the kitchen was rattling, slowly vibrating as the creatures repeatedly tried to force their way up and out of the grate. More disgustingly, Adam could hear periodic splats as the creatures stupidly continued trying to escape through the garbage disposal.
Gloria was screaming at the top of her lungs, and Adam’s legs were straining as he tried to hold the coffee table in place behind him. The house itself was groaning in protest, the very walls bulging as creatures filled every space they could possibly access. They were replicating uncontrollably.
Thump. In the hallway.
Adam’s stomach clenched. He heard another thump, then a third. He knew what these sounds meant.
Bricks were falling from his barrier wall in the hallway. The wall was incomplete, not strong enough. The creatures were exploiting the weakness.
A few more thumps. Then a loud rumble of noise.
Adam could picture the avalanche of brick in his mind. He could also picture the tsunami of creatures pouring through the breach. He closed his eyes and waited for the end as the screeching, scuttling horde rounded the corner. They’d be on him within seconds.
Suddenly warmth washed over his skin.
A bright purple light flooded his vision, visible even through his tightly clenched eyelids. It lasted only a few milliseconds, then was gone. Adam realized that the house had gone silent; even Gloria was no longer screaming. Adam cautiously opened his eyes.
One of the creatures loomed directly over Adam’s leg. It was about to attack. Why wasn’t it attacking?
The creature fell over sideways. In fact all of the creatures had stopped moving, frozen in various states of animation. Adam slowly stood. He kicked a few of the creatures.
Dead.
“The mice look different here.” Gloria was staring at the pile of bodies with a disgusted look on her face. That was good; it was distracting her from thinking about the fact that she was still a disembodied head. Adam wasn’t sure he could handle any more screaming.
Then the front door blasted inward, and Gloria was screaming yet again. Adam didn’t notice, though; he was screaming too.
The angels that streamed into the house looked like commandos with wings. The lead angel dropped his battering ram, then waved to the others.
“Move, move, move!” he shouted. Several jogged down the hallway, while others flooded the space where Adam and Gloria were holed up. Adam could hear yells of “Clear!” from throughout the house. Finally, the lead angel came and knelt next to Gloria.
“All clear,” he said. He quickly checked his notes. “Gloria Rosenbaum, right? Cloud ID 9F33AF08121FEC3D?”
“Yes, that’s right. Did the mice get my body?”
The angel grimaced. He pulled a vial of pills from his pocket, along with a small bottle of water. He popped the pills into Gloria’s mouth. “Swallow those,” he said, holding the bottle to Gloria’s lips.
Gloria did as she was told. Adam tried not to roll his eyes as one of the other angels simultaneously uttered some commands and restored her body from her most recent backup.
“There. Feel better?”
Gloria sat up and stared at her hands. “Yes. How was I alive without a body?”
“Oh, it was always there, ma’am. You were sick, that’s all. The infection clouds your mind a bit, messes with your nervous system. But luckily we have good medicine here! Those pills I gave you kill the infection almost instantaneously.”
Gloria nodded absently. The lead angel winked at Adam, then pulled him aside. “What the hell happened here, mate?”
Adam recounted the entire tale. The commando just shook his head. “Expansions and add-ons. I’m all for enhanced experience, but these third parties are killing us. No QA, no oversight! They should never have swapped out the old closet until it was completely emptied and disinfected. Her DNA was all over those clothes, and they don’t even encrypt their archives!
“Honestly, I’m shocked such a blatant infection vector wasn’t exploited sooner. How the hell are we supposed to keep things running smoothly with all of these security loopholes?” He ran his hand through his hair and waved the rest of his team out of the house.
Adam noticed that they’d repaired the broken door, removed the dead creatures, and cleared the pile of bricks from the hallway. Hopefully, they’d also deleted the remains of Gloria’s former body.
“Do you think she buys your explanation?” asked Adam quietly. Gloria was on her feet, gingerly testing out her legs.
“She will eventually. They always do. She’ll think on it until her brain hurts, then she’ll accept it and move on.”
“Maintain the illusion,” said Adam.
“Exactly, mate. Exactly. Well, we need to keep moving, more homes to clear. Quick thinking on that decapitation, by the way. If that infection had taken her brain, we couldn’t have restored her from backup. You saved her.”
The commando gave Adam a fist-bump, then turned to follow his team out the door.
“Wait!” Adam called.
The man turned around, eyebrows raised.
“Could you restore my access?” Adam asked sheepishly.
The commando nodded and muttered the appropriate commands before running away. Adam quickly verified that he could ping the emergency services home computer, and whispered a few other simple commands. Everything seemed to be in order. Adam turned to say goodbye to Gloria, but she wasn’t in the living room.
“Angel? My closet expansion is gone.” Gloria was standing in the hallway, wringing her hands. Adam felt bad for her. It took him a moment to think of a suitable excuse.
“It was infested with mice,” he said finally. “The exterminators hauled it off for patching and deep cleaning.” He thought for a moment then added, “So the mice don’t come back.”
“Oh.” Gloria stared at him from down the hallway. For just an instant, Adam swore he saw a knowing look flash across her eyes. “No, we don’t want that,” she said finally. “Thank you for your help, angel.”
“My pleasure,” responded Adam. He gave Gloria a little bow, then walked out the front door.
The second he was on the front stoop, he received a chat from the biological side of emergency services. “Adam, any status on 9F33AF08121FEC3D?”
“Infection,” he typed. “All better now.”
“Great. Thanks! I have another case for you as soon as you’re ready.”
Adam read the information and groaned. It was going to be a long day.
He grabbed hold of the red balloon as it passed by and floated off to deal with his next emergency, already annoyed by the clown makeup on his face.
Copyright © 2021 by Ronald Schulte
